White Feather

Not Just Physical Attraction

2008-05-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

I was taking my misty-morning-walk. Reached a point where the two roads, the one i was from and the other merged and along with them we too...some thirty-seconds into our walk together and there was this smile flying between our eyes like that beautiful butterfly which both of us wanted to catch and see all of the colors it's made of than just to let it fly between us.

Our bodies were completely facing each other, and i realized i was leaning towards her , practically almost-into-her and she, almost-into-me. We smiled and nodded. Crooned out bits of conversation. Our hands occasionally brushed each other's and our movements were in total synchronicity as we lifted our foot and took each step.

We laughed together. Except for the moments when an outside noise invaded our magical-private world, we maintained total eye contact. Even then, as we turned our heads away and looked back toward each other in unison.

People would say that we are in love.

We walked past a couple of strangers standing-by the walk-way and overheard them talking:

"Yeah, I've been watching them, too. Aren't they cute?"

"Yes," said the other,"They look like they're very much in love.", this caused us to fill in some distance between me, almost-into-her and her, almost-into-me.

We said to eachother, “but, we just met half-an-hour ago..” and smiled…
"Okay then," she said. "This is my home... i have to stop my walk here...”… , ...

As I walked, thought-trains started running restlessly in my mind, not as if they had no destination to reach but as in they are running in some convoluted path which is making it more difficult to reach the destination.

One train whistled it loud, "Perhaps I'll just go up to her and tell her I'm passionately in love with her.”

Another replied, “No, that's too forward.” and

another thought, "Shall I tell her I want to make her the mother of my children?”,

“No, that's premature.", another replied. and finally the another turned my head to look back at her ... she sat there in front of her home, and those eyes gazing at me sent out tons of messages which all seem to have synchronized with all the noise in my mind...,

"This person is really special. It's not just physical attraction." and my heart started pumping a little faster and throat got all dry. And I thought.., "Could this be the start of something big...?"

Talk-Walked

2008-02-26T12:14:00.000-08:00

I continuously have a smiley face when she’s by my side. Most times listening to what she’s saying but inbetween there are sometimes, where i just get lost in her eyes,then my ears stop functioning; it’s through my eyes I listen to her, her raised eyebrows, her smile. I doodled her name unconsciously, thinking of her, lost in thoughts of the moments we shared during the past 8 days, which all will be memories by tomorrow evening, when shez gone. My dull-little-lonely train journeys have been transformed into beautiful journeys, where two kid-like grownup souls shared their stories from the past, their friends, their parents, their loves and their lives.

My morning walks to Station, were kind of tiresome, as I always start late at home and run all my way to station. With her accompanying me, these days, the 1.6 mile distance just melted away in our talk-walk to the station just like the snow that got washed away by the rain that followed…. There is snow, but where it is now? washed away by rain. There is distance, but where is it now? melted away in our talk-walks. The Cold never seemed to bother us or is it that we were just too busy talking that we never cared if it snowed or rained….
Yesterday it snowed, snowed so much that everything was filled in a thick-layer of snow; we walked in snow on our way back home, with snow crunching beneath our feet and us making our foot-prints along the way…..

I woke up today morning, looked out of my window, which I usually do on the days it snows, and I smiled seeing our foot-prints in the snow in front of our room , our footprints from the yesterday night, they were still there, and the rain today sure is going to wash them off….,but that doesn’t bother me much, coz I have captured them in my camera, and I am going to frame the picture and title it, “our footprints in snow” and hang it in my room as a token of memory of this little time spent together , the talk-walks every morning to station, and the journeys to and fro to NYC from our station.

In the morning, as the train arrived at the station, the crowd moved towards the track to board the train, she moved along with her friends and I was talking in phone to my parents, I was thinking of not boarding this train as it’s a local train and the express train we take everyday is delayed by 15 mins.. She looked back, her eyebrows, her eyes together questioned me, come board the train??, I nodded yes, and showed the car that I m going to enter into...

She entered into the same car and I kind of disappeared into the background, leaving her with her friends. I grabbed a corner seat, three rows behind her; I checked if shez comfortably seated and right then she looks back for me, I raise my hand and my eyes communicate with hers telling her that I m fine there in my seat. She talks to her friend and tells her that shez gonna go and sit with me., she comes and sits besides me.

I will call you sometimes, but hey I can’t call you frequently, as my time just vanishes in my calls to close friends and I will call you when I find enough time. And I smile: “that’s fine”.
The stairs at NYPenn, where we used to sit, watching the display screens for the arrival track of our train, are going to miss a person from tomorrow. On our first day, we called each other on cell to locate the other at NYPenn, but as days passed we knew where to find the other, yes, right here at the stairs.

I m not going to toast additional two breads for the breakfast from tomorrow.

I m going to charge my mp3 player tonight. Put the book that I borrowed from library into my backpack tomorrow morning. My life-train is going to get back on tracks…., the lonely-life-train is going to be back on the track it used to run on…..
--------------
The mysterious tape recorder in Abhi’s mind was playing… “aate he musafir, jaate he musafir….jaana hi he sabko, kyun aate he musafir……” as he went to bed after typing this short story for the valentine’s day. :P… , smiling remembering something she asked him on one of these days they travelled together....

"see, i m talking to you so much, though it's been just a few days that i know you. so if you ask me out for a coffee or something tonight say at 10'o clock. do you think i will come with you?"
he replied, "don worry. i am not going to ask you out..."
and they laughed it off......

2008-02-18T12:25:00.001-08:00

From Broken Wings.

Still have so much to say to you
Every day there's more to tell
Dreaming, I'm little now
Fading away every passing day
and i just have one thing to tell you
that you are further and further away
further away..
Now that you are
a blurred memory
everything here
looks like an animated film
still have so much to say to you
there's another crisis every day
i have no strength left in me.
but you can't hear me anymore
can't hear anymore.

2007-12-31T07:28:00.001-08:00

Moonlight-fortified

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Went to Saravana on Oak Tree road to have some idly sambar and masala dosa. We sat there waiting for the items to arrive at our table, and i hear this song playing in the restaurant, and i go with my friend.." woow... i just love this song man!!".. listening to this song playing in tamil, i just popped in and out of that time, that crazy time from the past... my friend had no clue of how great a feeling it was to listen to this lovely soulful melody, esp the SPB voice and the Ilayaraja music , playing for you when you would've expected it the least...
Came back home, browsed through "My sangeeth" , located the "Mounaragam"
played the song and listened to it again... here's what i have done juss for my love for the song... i tried to translate it into english... here we go..

My life's-companion
come and grant me wishes...

Desiring only you,
a moon...
Waiting to become one with you.
From head to foot, it's you.

My life's-companion
come and grant me wishes.

This pain i cant bear,
My fairy, Moon-lady.

pluck and gather,
the Moonlight-flowers,
see and chit-chat with them.

want to tell you,
some-little-word.
want to make friendship with you,
every now and again.

The sound of "yes"
from your mouth and,
Life is a Moonlight-fortified-rampart.

my life's-companion
come and grant me wishes.

Enticing-blue-sky,
sings the tales of love,

Like a Swing,
the cold wind,
is playing, dancing.

To give the Fragrant-Love,
wont she come,

To spread,
the sacred-Word
wont she come.

If the Sky holds the grudge,
will the cloud be able to move.

2007-10-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Kite and Kiwi

Kiwi liked kites a lot. He had that creative skill in making kites right from his childhood... he used to make big really big beautiful kites.

One day on the day of 'Sankranthi', the kites’ festival... he made a kite... this one was special not like the ones he usually made..

A lot of luv was put into making it.. he didnt dare to fly it coz he feared he might lose it forever..

He hung it on the wall in his bedroom. He went to sleep every night, watching the kite’s lovely smiley face.....

Every Afternoon, for lunch he rushed home, from school not that he was hungry but to juss have a look at his lovely kite..

He used to fly it every evening after coming back from school, but not much high into the sky... he made sure that its in and around the perimeter of their building...so that even if his 'maanja' ( thread ) gets cut, he can collect his lovely kite without losing it.

Days passed, every day in the evening, after coming back from his school, kiwi n kite had good time playing with each other...

One day kite asked, " hey kiwi, I want to kiss that coconut tree, it really looks beautiful…why don’t u guide me towards it…?"

Kiwi always gave kite what ever it asked for.

Kiwi said,” Teri marzi…" (“as you wish” ) and guided it to the coconut tree….

Kite went and hugged the tree and kissed it all over the place. It spent good time with the tree. kiwi asked kite to leave the tree and come back to him, to which it refused.

Kiwi said, “hey Kite, you have to come now, you cant stay away from me for soo..loooong..”. Kiwi was worried that kite will no longer love him anymore as it found its new found love ‘the coconut tree’…

Kiwi pulled the thread, but kite refused to come out of the tree…. Kiwi was almost into tears…. He pleaded kite to return back to him. Kite teased kiwi for quite some time, poor kiwi, he couldn’t stop himself from crying his heart out……Finally kite agreed to return back to him.

When kite returned to him, kiwi was not angry with it but was worried If the stupid coconut tree has hurted his lovely kite. Coconut tree did hurt the kite, tears dropped from his eyes on to the kite. He took the kite inside his room, did the first-aid needed. He refused to let kite fly again. But kite knows kiwi more than kiwi knows the kite. It turned that smiley on its face into the shape of ‘Lord Sri Ram’s bow’.

Kiwi who used to sleep watching the lovely smiley face of the kite, now cudnt sleep watching its sad face. He cudnt bear this anymore and agreed to let it fly into the sky. He thought his love for kite was like water in his hands. The tighter he wants to hold it, the quicker it gets off his hands. So he thought of letting it free….

The next day, he let it to fly free into the sky. Suddenly he found the thread that connected the kite to him was no more in his hands. He stood open-mouthed…he knew he lost his kite….

They were happy with each other and unexpectedly, now, they both knew it’s all over between them…

Kiwi rushed down the stairs, started running on the streets following it wherever it went..

It flew across several buildings… …kiwi ran behind it, finally it got stuck, entangled in the electric wires,

Kiwi looked around to get something which cud help him in pulling his kite out of the clutches of electric wires.

There was some construction work going on at that place, he found the thin iron rods in front of the building. He never thought that he wud be putting his life in danger and might even die if that rod hits the electric wires.

He was juss trying to lift one of them…then he heard his father’s bike’s sound, which he cud easily recognize. Infact, he was the one who wud tell her mother every day in the night, if it was dad, listening to his dad’s bike’s unique sound, from inside their home even when the doors were all closed.

As soon as he saw his father, he dropped the pillar and ran in the direction of his home, fearing his father wud kill him, if he saw him running after the kite. His father saw him lifting the iron rod to get hold of the kite.

After reaching home, His father got very angry with kiwi, he removed the belt, pulling it out from his pant and has beaten kiwi till his body had those imprints of the belt in blood color.

The next day, his father called kiwi and hugged him close and told him why he was so angry at him the other night. He told him that, he wud have been dead had that thin iron pillar touched the electric wires.

He also told him that he can buy him many more beautiful kites. But, kiwi’s heart was still craving for his only love, his kite. He knew no new kite wud measure equal to his lovely kite.

The next day he went to the place where the kite was stuck. He stood there underneath the electric wires, closed his eyes and prayed to god, to get his kite back to him….

There was a huge coconut tree in the near by building. It saw the kiwi’s love for the kite and decided to help kiwi, It blowed the wind stiff and strong, which made the kite flutter and untangle itself from the electric wires. Kite floated free from the electric wires, kiwi ran behind it and caught and hugged it to his heart.

Kite promised kiwi that it wud never leave him and will be much happier being hung on his bedroom wall and to see him every day than flying in the sky.

( This love is beyond the understanding of people, its purity is akin to that of Fire" )

cnu.

The girl who disappears...

2007-10-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

The girl who disappears...

I hopped-in onto the top of a double Decker bus for a downtown loop of the NY City.… a good bunch of people on tour enjoyed the skyline of the NYcity as the bus moved in the streets.. …. …and then as I looked on, a girl came and sat besides me.

I am not new to this double Decker trip, I took a lot of them already and now I take them , to escape from the reality, to be lost , to be anonymous among a bunch of strangers, and to silently be a part of the joy of tourists who are visiting this beautiful city for the first time..

I haven’t looked at the girl properly, I was reading a book, and then something I felt inside, made me to look sideways at the girl sitting besides me…

I said nothing at all, but our eyes exchanged so many questions, for which we didn’t knew any answers , we were happy for long time now that they were left unanswered… some , I never asked her, some she never asked me…. Her eyes were turning cloudy…

she always disappeared… and recycled into my life only to disappear again…

…to think of her appearing and disappearing from my life…, in these very streets , where it all started… , I closed my eyes , everytime she disappeared, and thought :

“our relationship is not going to end this way… I m sure, I will see you again…”

The last time I thought this way was 5 yrs back, and all these years, every day I walked in these streets, I always wished , she would appear in front of my eyes again….

…and it took a long time this time, and today I again see her sitting besides me…, as a complete stranger, whom I have never known, I have never met…

There was some impulse in me, my body turned to her, my chest facing her shoulders, she sitting in the direction of the bus’ movement, my hands rose and surrounded her, I tugged her close to my chest…

.…, we exchanged no words…but she repelled me, hurriedly looking back at a guy, who seemed to be her current boyfriend.. I didn’t care to ask, who he was… but they seemed to have had a little fight…

She looked back at me.., still no words exchanged, all communication was through our eyes..they were exchanging some voluminous messages, I felt as if there was a war of questions going between them…

I was thinking :

What is she thinking ?

Well probably that I have grown old… have dark wrinkles at the outer corner of my eyes.. …

And then she said it.. the first words she spoke to me after 5 yrs…

“What are you…. 45…?”

I laughed….

And I just went mad with her sitting so close to me , after so many years of distance.. …all this time… I never saw or heard from her…

She didn’t move… but from her body to my body… a message passed.

It said, “kiss me…”

….Then I cupped her face into my two hands, being unconscious in the moment that it was actually me , who is doing all this…

I kissed her, … I felt her tongue in mine, we kissed passionately…,as if to never end it..,she closed her eyes, and got completely lost in the kiss…

As our lips slowly separated , we laughed…, the chewing gum in my mouth tasted different.., she exchanged hers with mine….

She held my hands, and rushed down …, requested the driver to stop the bus, and we got off the double decker …

She took me to her apartment in 52^nd street, we got cozy on her sofa, ..i held her close to my body, all night, fearing, I would lose her, If I let her free… I never wanted to lose her again….

“do you love me….?”

“but you deserve more…”

“then wat are you doing here with me , in this night…”

“seeing, if our bodies can melt into one, so that I never have to lose you again…”, I tried, if I can really melt her into me….

I closed my eyes and thought:

“Kruthi is going to leave me all alone and disappear from me tomorrow again…, and I feared …. And thought of how I could stop her..”

She didn’t say anything for the rest of the night…

I remembered the moments where we spent some nights talking to eachother until we felt empty of words inside us… and on some...we didn’t need to speak. we always knew… this was one such night..

We spent the whole night ….staying awake, with no words between us…we could hear the clock tick whole night…

I looked into her eyes for a long time…. and wondered if, deep down inside…

….she knew how much…she had grown into me.

With kruthi and me it was a sense of belonging…if you can understand.

A belonging that the more-practical-more-realistic current day world will not be able to understand….

I fell asleep towards morning…and I woke up when the alarm went off, only to find Kruthi missing by my side….

I ran through the entire apartment , looking for her…. i knew , i lost her again...

I sat on the floor, closed my eyes…. Heard the door open… it was kruthi, with a milk can in her hands…, she laughed looking at me sitting on the floor, and asked..

“did u think that I disappeared again….”

I fell back , with my head hitting the wall at my back…

She walked into kitchen saying…, “I m gonna put some tea for us….”

..... ........

The mysterious tape-recorder in Abhi's mind was playing "Jaanam dekh lo mit gayi dooriyan main yahan hoon yahan hoon y ahan hoon yahan" ........

2007-02-09T00:02:00.000-08:00

I wake up in the morning , with a heavy heart,
Little do i know, what happened in the night.
My heart gets so overwhelmed.
I feel the flames of love burning inside.
Want to tell you, hugging you tight,
I almost died of your love last night.

2006-09-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

Love the touch of pencil,
Love when the paper is white,
Love it when the process starts,
Love it when the plain paper gets life,
A life which defines a new life for me,
Every sketch gives a new life,
Should keep it going, i fear if i let it go,
I remember, i had let it go in my childhood,
Dont want to endup doing the same now,
God, I pray you...
rekindle the spark, when ever u see it dying..