A subconscious Fear about being Naked

I just knocked open the bathroom door, as I decided I was going to go to take my bath.

In there I see this guy brushing his teeth In front of the washbasin and he’s like "what the hell? Don’t you see me using this space..?” I say, just a quick bath, and proceed into the bathtub; pulling the tub curtains so they’re overlapped... he exited the bathroom shouting my actions were so repelling. I ran a bath. I stepped out of the tub and after drying up my body, just try to put on my underpants. For some fucking damn reason, I can't get my legs in. There's something that's blocking my legs, they won't go in, no matter how hard I try to push them through. And I realized, this guy kicks open the bathroom door, just like I did when he was brushing his teeth just a few minutes ago. I am embarrassed that my buns are exposed. My buns frowned as they are caught by some stranger-looks. This guy pushes the door flat open, so that I am visible naked, with my right leg all wrinkly in the water on the bathroom floor and the left leg that froze mid-step, still struggling its way through my underpants and my buns stood shocked that they were now exposed to this girl I am going to go on a date today. But she looked at me as if it was nothing to be embarrassed about. I could feel her looks on my buns. Today being Valentine’s Day, I asked her out, which I’ve been planning since last Valentine’s Day.

She was waiting there at the breakfast table for me. I go there after getting myself dressed. She looks at me and I am all embarrassed of what has happened. I closed my eyes and kept them shut for a long time. Then I felt her hand slowly rest on my shoulder. I looked in to her eyes. She looked deep into mine. Her eyes said, “It’s Okay”. And then I woke up. It was a dream.

 Now, I am here besides her in her car, I am taking her out for dinner, on our first date. In the morning, after I woke up from that dream I had. I tried to lookup what it meant. A dream interpretation website said this:

“…the fact that other people are oblivious to the dreamer's nudity indicates that they should discard as groundless any fears that they will be rejected if their real self is revealed…”

I felt relieved after I read this coz I feared being vulnerable in front of her, thinking of our first date, just before I slept the night before. This calmed down my fear. Just as I was losing myself in these thoughts; she says a hello into my world of thoughts. And I return back to her. I pretend that I was not lost in thoughts and make exaggerated motions searching for my Ipod and press the play button. A song that was paused continues playing:

 “Dil ki jo baatein he..baatein jo dil ki he ...Dil hi mein rakhna piya...Lab to na kholoon main, kholoon na lab to par..Aakhon se sab keh diya…”

 And I silently sung along, “....You’re mine, say you’re mine…”

Mujhe teree barish mein beegna hai ghuljana hai

Tu zakham de agar
  Marham bhi aakar tu lagaaye
         Zakham mein bhi mujhko pyaar aaye

Dariya o dariya 
Doopne de mujhe dariya
Doopne de mujhe dariya

Those are the lyrics from "Rehna Tu" song of "dilli-6" .  "Dil gira kahin par dafatan" , "Masakalli Masakalli" being other personal favourites from the album. Just loved all the tracks in the album. 

The sketch is actually a frame from a song in the movie "Across The Universe" , as it played, this frame just caught my eye and I had to pause it, stare at it and then I decide to do a sketch of it. 

A lot of songs played in the background as i sketched this...  a list of the numbers i remember here :

 "Zindagi ..zindagi kya kami reh gayi" 

 "Aaja mein hawaon pe bitake le chalu" from another of Rehman's album "Yuvraaj" 

and all of "dill-6"'s songs, but i think "Rehna Tu", "Dil gira" and "masakalli" flowed in through my hands onto paper into the sketch ;)...

so i guess this, is my little dedication to Rehman's music :).. , his music has been the force behind this sketch.. 

Somewhere out there....

Returning home back from work, he spotted her in the crowd at NYPenn, she was in a black skirt, scurry-scooting her way through the crowd just like that keyed toy on wheels which when gets stuck at something in it's way, struggles there with the blockage by the object, with all the keying left in it, manages to turn sideways and then scurry-scoots again until it hits another blocking-object.
She stopped when she faced him, he blocked her like one of those objects.

"you love me nothing! tell me, All your love for me has gotten void ? all your love ??", he pleaded, his eyes glanced at something so obvious that they couldn't escape them, he looked at her legs, he found nothing down there, the space beneath her knees was not-of-earth, "what is it?" he thought... It was dark and void, just what you see when you close your eyes for a few minutes, try it now..you will know... close your eyes... it's dark and nothing..yes, it was just like that. There was no one around him as long as he stared at that space below her knees, he saw no feet there, he then glanced back at her eyes....everything returned back to NYPenn for him now...., the crowd was hurrying to their homes, the violin was being played by the street band, couples were kissing..both straight and not-so-straight ones, totally in love.

"Listen.It's over..!!", she said, "I m gone now..., I really do believe that people come into our lives for a reason...a season...or a lifetime...and sometimes we want them to stay for a lifetime, but once they serve their purpose in our lives...they are gone..."

he cried,"my soul has grown in my time with you... and it just hurts me to death now to live without you..."
"kyun aisey chubthi he tujhse yeh dhoori....kyun lagti he zindagi yu adhoori..." he sang to her...., "duniyan jalaadiiii he meriiii....."

she told him, "the key for you will be to find another soul such as yourself...someone who truly knows and understands you...,your philosophies...realtionship beliefs ... who can sync with you, so perfectly that you become inseperable.you become one."
Opening his shirt's buttons, he attempts to show her his soul, "look at my soul, how tattered and shabby , how lacking of life, how it's lacking the intensity of love i've felt for you",he says.
"Free me now from this suffering, cant take it anymore....take me with you....let me to transcend to that world you know " he asked, singing to her, "Kahi tho ... kahi tho.. hogi woh...duniyan jaha tu meri saath he...
jahaan main, jahaan tu , aur jahan bas teri meri jazbaat he.."
she looks right into his eyes on him pleading her.. , "I am slipping into sleep...I am slipping into sleep...", he sleep-talked as his consciousness gradually faded and when he got his consciousness back... he found himself scurry-scooting besides her ..., just like that keyed toy on wheels. In anxiety, he looked at his feet now..... there was no feet there, it was dark and nothing....

--------------------------
as the end-titles on the screen started to roll up .... the song plays...

.....Saasein kho gai hai kiski aahon mein
Mein kho gai hoon jane kiski baahon mein
Manzilon se rahe dhondte chali
Aur kho gai hai manzil kahin rahon mein
Kahin to kahin to hai nasha
Teri meri har mulakat mein ......

Thoughts From the Night

I was thinking, we should stop seeing eachother

Why do you say that?

I dont know, my mind told me to.

sometimes you get bored of the person you are talking to cause you already know too much about him.
so...tell me, when you think of someone, doesnt it really matter if he/she thinks of you or not ?

I think i passed that phase when it mattered to me, but i guess i have grown over it now. Now, people just dissolve. [ he spoke as if hez some higher-being than her, atleast that's what she thought]
so....tell me, what spurred you to think of stop seeing eachother.

I dont know, may be i want someone who is reciprocal.

What do you mean reciprocal ?

I mean you know, there are times i miss you, but you will never have that feeling right.

What made you think so?

You just said you were too numb to miss someone and that It doesnt matter to you anymore...

So does it make a difference if someone thinks abt you..or not...but you still think abt them...?

Yes. It does matter to me. I just want to be reciprocal. I wont wink if he wont wink back, I wont say hi if he wont answer, I wont smile if he wont smile back....

Humm. I dont know what to say... [ he was lost thinking why, how and when he grew so numb. he was confused! ]..
[.. he continued....], okay..., if that's what you want,...

[he told her that he will wait there outside her home, until she shuts the door on him. And she slams the door shut. He leaves as if he felt nothing, as if they never met. Women have always walked out of his life. That's the way it's always been with him. And he seems to have got used to this. His head seemed heavy with the question of "how, why, when he grew so numb", to which he wanted immediate answers...]

[That whole day was gone thinking why he grew so numb of people. why doesnt no one ever could touch him deep again anymore. But then, he realized it was different with her. he realized he loves her unlike women who have been in his life in the past.
further introspection made him realize that he grew numb as a result of his past relationships and that his present perception of relationships was distorted by his past. It was the mistake he was committing again and again. He wanted to correct this last one.]

[he's there infront of her door the next day morning.she opens the door...]
I missed you and I am in love with you.

Dont jerk...!!

No. I am not. I am serious. [...and tells her his thoughts from the night...]

I thought i should never ever again see you or talk to you, and that If this is the end from your side, then it's going to be more than the end from my side.

So, if i hadnt come to you again today, then you would have just ended it all ?

Yes. ....May be that's what didnt work between me and my ex-boyfriend. You know it's playing safe that you wont get hurt.[she continued...] I dont know what i was thinking yesterday. I was stupid! everything reminded me of you. starting from the songs we listened to together..., everything! and i too missed you.

[In response, he shook his head and just smiled.]
he left that day, little did she knew that it was their last meeting. He never looked back that day. Two days passed, no phone call from him..., he didnt come to her place...she didnt had no clue where he went. he never came back again, though she was expecting him back sometime, cause everytime he went, he was only to comeback to her later.....

Lovely Orange Sun

Moving across the horizon..
my lovely-setting-orange-sun...
when i start home from work,
i look at her, she looks at me
our eyes are locked....

when the train picks up the speed,
i see her across ,through the window,
running at same speed as me.
keeping up with the pace of the train.

sometime into my journey
the train goes low on it's speed sometimes.
and my lovely-setting-orange-sun slows down too,
to keep me always in her eye-sight.

stations come and go,
but she wont let me go.
i stop. she stops.
the stations stand in between us
blocking me from her.

I passby the standing-by people at station.
she passes-by the high-rise-buildings.

some-more-time into my journey....
shez slowly sinking down into the horizon.
I cry, " keep me company, dont let me go..."
I cry,"my lovely-setting-orange-sun.... keep me company..."

the path of the tracks shifts farther from her...
I feel the distance grow between us.

I see she now stops running along with me
and just stands there watching me as i move.

She's falling behind me now...
I have to turn my head back to look at her.

Shez sinking...shez sinking... oh shez gone now...
I see the black-birds flying out of the orange-spot,
where my lovely-orange-sun has set.

I keep looking at the horizon
hoping she would rise up back again just for me...
coz she hadn't bid me bye before she had set.

Stations come and go...
but she never comes back up again...

Standing-tall high-rise building
can you please take a break
and go for a walk?
let me have a clear view
clear of you and your friends,
I wanna look at the orange-spot where she set
Want to see her rise backup again... just for me...

But, shez gone now
and i m not even one-fourth through my journey home.
whoz gonna keep me company?
I m alone and feeling lonely now.

the high-rise buildings try to cheer me up
but they just fail to stop the tear-drops crying out of my eyes.
the sky-blue sky is turning dark
it's so empty without my lovely-orange-sun.

the sky-blue sky is turning dark and more dark..
and the night is falling on it.
the window through which i looked at my lovely-orange-sun
now turns into a mirror, showing myself to me.
and all i have is my tired face,
tired eyes protruding out of my tired spects,
to keep me company....

Not Just Physical Attraction

I was taking my misty-morning-walk. Reached a point where the two roads, the one i was from and the other merged and along with them we too...some thirty-seconds into our walk together and there was this smile flying between our eyes like that beautiful butterfly which both of us wanted to catch and see all of the colors it's made of than just to let it fly between us.

Our bodies were completely facing each other, and i realized i was leaning towards her , practically almost-into-her and she, almost-into-me. We smiled and nodded. Crooned out bits of conversation. Our hands occasionally brushed each other's and our movements were in total synchronicity as we lifted our foot and took each step.

We laughed together. Except for the moments when an outside noise invaded our magical-private world, we maintained total eye contact. Even then, as we turned our heads away and looked back toward each other in unison.

People would say that we are in love.

We walked past a couple of strangers standing-by the walk-way and overheard them talking:

"Yeah, I've been watching them, too. Aren't they cute?"

"Yes," said the other,"They look like they're very much in love.", this caused us to fill in some distance between me, almost-into-her and her, almost-into-me.

We said to eachother, “but, we just met half-an-hour ago..” and smiled…
"Okay then," she said. "This is my home... i have to stop my walk here...”… , ...

As I walked, thought-trains started running restlessly in my mind, not as if they had no destination to reach but as in they are running in some convoluted path which is making it more difficult to reach the destination.

One train whistled it loud, "Perhaps I'll just go up to her and tell her I'm passionately in love with her.”

Another replied, “No, that's too forward.” and

another thought, "Shall I tell her I want to make her the mother of my children?”,

“No, that's premature.", another replied. and finally the another turned my head to look back at her ... she sat there in front of her home, and those eyes gazing at me sent out tons of messages which all seem to have synchronized with all the noise in my mind...,

"This person is really special. It's not just physical attraction." and my heart started pumping a little faster and throat got all dry. And I thought.., "Could this be the start of something big...?"

Talk-Walked

I continuously have a smiley face when she’s by my side. Most times listening to what she’s saying but inbetween there are sometimes, where i just get lost in her eyes,then my ears stop functioning; it’s through my eyes I listen to her, her raised eyebrows, her smile. I doodled her name unconsciously, thinking of her, lost in thoughts of the moments we shared during the past 8 days, which all will be memories by tomorrow evening, when shez gone. My dull-little-lonely train journeys have been transformed into beautiful journeys, where two kid-like grownup souls shared their stories from the past, their friends, their parents, their loves and their lives.

My morning walks to Station, were kind of tiresome, as I always start late at home and run all my way to station. With her accompanying me, these days, the 1.6 mile distance just melted away in our talk-walk to the station just like the snow that got washed away by the rain that followed…. There is snow, but where it is now? washed away by rain. There is distance, but where is it now? melted away in our talk-walks. The Cold never seemed to bother us or is it that we were just too busy talking that we never cared if it snowed or rained….
Yesterday it snowed, snowed so much that everything was filled in a thick-layer of snow; we walked in snow on our way back home, with snow crunching beneath our feet and us making our foot-prints along the way…..

I woke up today morning, looked out of my window, which I usually do on the days it snows, and I smiled seeing our foot-prints in the snow in front of our room , our footprints from the yesterday night, they were still there, and the rain today sure is going to wash them off….,but that doesn’t bother me much, coz I have captured them in my camera, and I am going to frame the picture and title it, “our footprints in snow” and hang it in my room as a token of memory of this little time spent together , the talk-walks every morning to station, and the journeys to and fro to NYC from our station.

In the morning, as the train arrived at the station, the crowd moved towards the track to board the train, she moved along with her friends and I was talking in phone to my parents, I was thinking of not boarding this train as it’s a local train and the express train we take everyday is delayed by 15 mins.. She looked back, her eyebrows, her eyes together questioned me, come board the train??, I nodded yes, and showed the car that I m going to enter into...

She entered into the same car and I kind of disappeared into the background, leaving her with her friends. I grabbed a corner seat, three rows behind her; I checked if shez comfortably seated and right then she looks back for me, I raise my hand and my eyes communicate with hers telling her that I m fine there in my seat. She talks to her friend and tells her that shez gonna go and sit with me., she comes and sits besides me.

I will call you sometimes, but hey I can’t call you frequently, as my time just vanishes in my calls to close friends and I will call you when I find enough time. And I smile: “that’s fine”.
The stairs at NYPenn, where we used to sit, watching the display screens for the arrival track of our train, are going to miss a person from tomorrow. On our first day, we called each other on cell to locate the other at NYPenn, but as days passed we knew where to find the other, yes, right here at the stairs.

I m not going to toast additional two breads for the breakfast from tomorrow.

I m going to charge my mp3 player tonight. Put the book that I borrowed from library into my backpack tomorrow morning. My life-train is going to get back on tracks…., the lonely-life-train is going to be back on the track it used to run on…..
--------------
The mysterious tape recorder in Abhi’s mind was playing… “aate he musafir, jaate he musafir….jaana hi he sabko, kyun aate he musafir……” as he went to bed after typing this short story for the valentine’s day. :P… , smiling remembering something she asked him on one of these days they travelled together....

"see, i m talking to you so much, though it's been just a few days that i know you. so if you ask me out for a coffee or something tonight say at 10'o clock. do you think i will come with you?"
he replied, "don worry. i am not going to ask you out..."
and they laughed it off......